


The Great Colonies Bake Off

by Chicken_Broccoli_2013



Category: The Great British Bake Off RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23827612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chicken_Broccoli_2013/pseuds/Chicken_Broccoli_2013
Summary: The classic British Baking Show heads to the states for its latest season.
Relationships: Mel Giedroyc/Sue Perkins
Kudos: 2





	The Great Colonies Bake Off

The Great Colonies Baking Show 

*Mel and Sue standing in a grassy field, tents seen behind them, sun shining. The two are dressed in garish American tourist wear (flag/eagle hats, t-shirts, sunglasses, etc)*  
Sue: Welcome to another season of the Great British Baking Show! Our tenth season, and they still air us!  
Mel: Ehm, Sue…we’re not in Britain right now.  
Sue: *feigning shock* What? Did we get lost again?  
Mel: Not quite. This year, our producers have decided to move us across the pond to see what our American friends are up to.  
Sue: Is that right? We’ve got twelve new bakers heading towards the tents right now, stars and stripes ablazing!  
Mel: And blazing they are! Let’s go and meet them!  
*Cut to under the tent, where men and women are tying on aprons and glancing nervously around. Up front are Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry, the esteemed judges*  
Mary: Look at this bunch, Paul. I think we’re in for a delightful season.  
Paul: When they wanted to move to the Colonies, I almost quit. But it’s only for a season.  
Mary: *charming smile* I think it’s all rather exciting.  
Paul: *eyeing bakers suspiciously* Let’s just hope they can bake…  
*Cut again to bakers. Camera zooms in on a young man organizing his station*  
Pace: Yeah, I’m from Jersey. Pops ain’t too happy with my baking hobby, wants me to be a lawyer or somethin’. I wanna prove to him that this is where I belong.  
Sancha: Atta boy. You teach him! *brushes hands on a colorful apron* I bake for my girlfriend all the time, she thinks I’m pretty good. It’s my dream to own a Honduran bakery someday.  
Sue: Good morning, Bakers! Are you ready for your very first Signature Challenge?  
Romana: No, I’m not ready! I can’t even turn my damn oven on.  
Mel: *sweet smile; it’s uncertain if she didn’t hear Romana or just ignores her* For your first Signature, Paul and Mary would like you please to make…  
Matias: *leans forward, already sweating nervously* What? What DO THEY WANT US TO MAKE?  
Mel: …A meringue pie!  
Sue: Your pie can be any flavor you like, but it must be smothered with meringue and, of course, beautifully decorated. You’ll have two and a quarter hours on this challenge.  
Minato: *whispering to Morgan, her neighbor* Is that enough time?  
Morgan: I dunno. I thought ‘meringue’ was a dance. *rubs her eyes; actions imply that she’s either hungover or sick*  
Mel: On your marks…  
Sue: Get set…  
Both: BAKE!  
*Bakers spring into action, scurrying around the tent. Flour is everywhere*  
Uttara: *rolling out dough for his crust. Grey hair speckled with the black of younger years. Thick accent* I know what a meringue is, but I’ve never made one. I’m hoping my knowledge of flavors will save me here…  
Sue: *voiceover as bakers continue to cook* Uttara will be using flavors from his heritage to make a sweet rice and milk pie with a saffron meringue.  
Mel: Most bakers are pairing a fruit pie with their meringues, while one is going a decidedly more…American route.  
Roland: The Brits want American? They’re gonna get American. *rolls up his sleeves* I’m making a savory hamburger pie with a tomato filling in the middle and an American cheese meringue.  
Mary: *watching as he fills his pie shell* Oh, that does sound intriguing…  
Paul: …Americans.  
Xun: *observing Roland with a bit of concern* Well, I’m going to make a red bean paste pie with a classic meringue. I wanted to honor my heritage, too. But honestly I think I’ll be alright as long as I don’t do a…*whispers* burger pie.  
Lerato: You’re not gonna believe this, but I’m actually doing almost the same pie as Bjorn over there.  
Paul: *raises an eyebrow* copied you, did he?  
Lerato: *playfully mimicking his accent* Yeah, but mine’ll be bettah.  
Mel: Both Lerato and Bjorn are making banana cream pies. But Lerato is adding something extra to hers: coffee.  
Lerato: *dark arms dusted with flour as she stirs her filling* Yeah, I’ve always liked the whole ‘banoffee’ thing. I hear the Brits like it too.  
Bjorn: *adjusts his glasses and gives a smile but is too focused on baking to comment*  
Sue: Bakers, it’s pie time you get a move on! *wiggles eyebrows at camera* You’ve got one hour left on your bakes. That’s one hour!  
Minato: Shit!...can I say that? *shoves a strawberry custard pie in the oven*  
*Paul and Mary watch as the contestants rush around like electrons, bumping into each other almost as much. Sue and Mel share some McDonald’s ‘chips’ nearby*  
Dosia: Can you keep a secret? *Cameraman nods, and she leans closer with a bashful smile* I’ve got the biggest crush on Paul Hollywood. When I bake, I bake with him in mind. Last night I dreamed he tasted my pie, and he said-  
Mel: What did he say?  
Sue: *one arm around Mel* Did he say there’s 30 minutes left on your pies? Because there’s 30 minutes left!  
Matias: *now sweating so much it looks like he’s showering* Oh mother…oh father… *opens oven a crack to look at his pie* I hope lemon meringue pie isn’t too traditional. *whips around to face Pace* Do you think it’s too traditional?  
Pace: I dunno, man. Smells good though.  
Bjorn: *diligently whipping a blue-tinted meringue* Makin’ a banana pie wit’ blueberry meringue. My wife likes it well ‘nough…  
Sancha: *forces a smile as Mary glances over her station*  
Mel: Ten minutes, bakers! Ten minutes before the beast of Hollywood is let loose!  
Morgan: Oh crap! *her tin slips out of her hands as she pulls it out of the oven. Purple custard tips out but most remains in the tin* I’m ruined…  
Roland: No you ain’t. Come on. *Helps clean the mess and smooth the custard* You just gotta use a little more meringue. Woman up. *pats her on the back*  
Morgan: *begins decorating, eyes lingering gratefully on him*  
Mel and Sue: Fiiiiive minutes, bakers!  
Mary: You two are quite good at that. Do you practice?  
Mel: Not much else to do when you live with this one. *nudging Sue*  
Xun: *glancing at clock as he pulls out a blowtorch* three minutes, guys! Let’s do it!  
*Morgan carefully shapes her meringue into a peak. Most others are torching their meringues; Roland and Romana have already finished. Matias wipes his forehead with an already soaked towel. Clock counts down to under a minute*  
Mel: 3…2…1…Stop!  
Sue: Hands off your pies, my dears! It’s time to bring in the judges.  
*Contestants breathing hard as judges make their way to Pace’s table*  
Pace: So I made a key lime pie with a whipped cream meringue on top…  
Paul: You put cream. In your meringue.  
Romana: *snorts* rookie mistake! Kids these days.  
*Contestants watch as the pies of Xun, Sancha, Minato, Bjorn, Matias, Romana, Lerato, and Uttara are tasted. They move on to Morgan*  
Morgan: *Biting a pink-painted nail* It’s a, um, Ube cream with lavender meringue…  
Mary: *takes a delicate bite* I quite like that.  
Paul: The flavor’s there, but it seems we got less filling and more meringue, eh?  
*She observes uncertainly, still rubbing her eyes, as they make their way to Roland, both trying his ‘burger pie.’ Mel and Sue each snag a bite, curious. Much coughing and hacking ensues*  
Paul: That is…by far…the most disgusting thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. *Sancha stifles a shocked giggle behind them* That is an abomination.  
Mary: I’m afraid I can’t find anything positive to say about it. May I have some water…?  
Dosia: *rushes up* I can help, Paul dear. Try mine.  
Paul: Er…no thank you. We’re done for today.  
Dosia: But you’ll love it. I had a dream where you said-  
Paul: I’m not trying your sodding pie, Dosia! *everyone freezes* ahem. See you tomorrow, everyone.  
Uttara: Is that what he said? In your-  
Dosia: No, that’s not what he said, you idiot. *Storms out of the tent, crushing entire pie and tin in her hands*  
*somewhat tense/awkward fadeout. Camera comes up again, outside the tent, where the hosts sit with a revived Mary and Paul*  
Sue: *clears throat* So! Erm…any standouts today?  
Mel: Good standouts.  
Sue: Yes.  
Mary: *regained her composure and old-English-lady charm* Oh, yes. Two really stood out to me: Morgan and Lerato. Paul? Come on, old boy.  
Paul: *still guzzling water* Quite. Uttara had an excellent bake today. But there were also some clear losers.  
Mel and Sue: Other than Roland?  
Mary: Poor Roland. A proud young man, but perhaps not the brightest.  
Paul: Perhaps? *shudders at memory of Roland’s pie* Well, Pace didn’t do so well either.  
Sue: *nods* Strong opinions from our esteemed panel. I can’t wait to see what our bakers bring tomorrow.  
*Camera fades as judges head off in one direction and hosts, arms around each other, head off in the other. Credits begin to roll. As they do, a side clip of Dosia pops up*  
Dosia: You really want to know that bad? Well, he tried my pie. And then he said to me— *cut to black*


End file.
